If there were a tournament for organizational charts, I think we can all agree that this graphical representation of the structure of the City of Chicago’s License Appeal Commission would be a number one seed.
I bet when ‘Staff Assistant’ gets lippy ‘Chairman’ is all, like, “Do I need to get the org chart?!? You know what, I am going to get the org chart. You see that? You see that? You report to me. That means you do what I say, when I say. Org chart don’t lie.”
“But is there a McNulty wind-up toy? Or a Bubbles wind-up toy? Tell me there’s a Bunk wind-up toy?!?” Oh, there is. There is. See them here.
Season two of Downton Abbey left me with an eye-roll induced astigmatism (“It wasn’t the Spanish flu that killed her, IT WAS OUR LOVE!!!”), but these paper dolls almost make up for the cost of my new corrective lenses.
This is a “heat map” of the world’s most photographed places “based solely on the number of available Panoramio photos for an area: both the number of photos and the number of authors is taken into account.”
(h/t Ken Jennings. Yeah, that Ken Jennings)
“I pay all the taxes that are legally required and not a dollar more,” Mr. Romney said during Monday night’s debate. “I don’t think you want someone as the candidate for president who pays more taxes than he owes.”
Ever wonder what would happen if an architect designed a baseball stadium after being forced to read every issue of Dwell magazine? Well, thanks to the city of St. Paul, you will wonder no more.
Few things are better for a stressed out alligator than a massage. You would be amazed at how effective a massage can be at reducing your alligator’s muscle tension, easing its aches and pains, relieving its stress and improving its circulation. On top of that, massage just makes your alligator feel great.
Now, in these economic times, unless your last name is Kardashian, or you’re one of those Jersey Shore kids, you can’t afford the weekly trips to your neighborhood’s certified alligator massage therapist. That’s why I am offering you FREE ALLIGATOR MASSAGE ADVICE!
You’re goddamn right I care. Let’s do this.
Step 1 - Caress your alligator’s mouth
There’s no better way to ease into an alligator massage than with some light touching of its mouth. And I cannot stress this enough: You have to ease into an alligator massage! If you rush in there and just start kneading the shit out of your alligator’s back, that fucker will eat you. That’s no joke.
Step 2 - Open and close your alligator’s mouth
We’re going to stay with your alligator’s mouth, but now I want you to open and close it VERY slowly. VERY SLOWLY. This is not a good time to ask your alligator about its day because you’re not going to understand a word it’s saying.
Step 3 - Raise your alligator’s head and hold it under your chin
Yeah, I know, it doesn’t feel natural. But let me remind you that you own an alligator. That ain’t natural, neither. Alright, hold your alligator’s head under your chin for like three or four minutes.
Step 4 - Massage your alligator’s chest with your knee.
If you’ve done steps one through three correctly, your alligator should be asleep. Gently roll him over and start massaging his chest with your knee. You should do this for no less than 15 minutes. If your alligator wakes up and feels you skimped on the massage it probably won’t eat you, but it will sure as shit bite off one of your arms.
I know what you are thinking: “Could it really be that simple?!” And the answer is “Yes. It is that simple.” Now go out there and massage your alligator!
